Why such a fear?

I'm SO over my job that it's not even funny. I really enjoy the people that I work with and it's fun having people around all day -- totally different than the other office where it was me and one other person in a basement. I know that I'm very under-utilized and VERY underpaid, and I kinda just don't like my boss. I like one of the 3 partners, but the other 2 are just... blech... in their own regards. The company is disorganized. Sure, we now have an office manager, and I hope to see things change because of it, but I've already figured out that old habits are hard to break with these folks. I've been with the same people for 3 years -- do you know anyone will do anything? I think it would be nice if I got flowers or something, a card, or at least a "hey, we appreciate you sticking this out!"
I'm over my job, but I can't seem to get myself motivated to find a new job. I've looked, but I haven't sent my resume anywhere or responded to any ads. I have this fear of doing something new, I think. Some part of me says that I shouldn't, that the job I'm in isn't getting me anywhere and I should be doing something that I want to do. I've always wanted to make a difference, and being a legal assistant isn't doing that.
I'm thinking about grad school for student affairs or something like it. First step for that would be the GRE, which if I get a new job, I could spend the next year studying for and taking the GRE, then getting into grad school; in that year I could also find a job working for a school. That's one plan. A second plan is music therapy. It's an idea I'd tossed around years ago, but I did research recently and found out it's a bachelor program... cool, except I already have one AND any musical skill I had is probably out the window at this point. I could spend the next year getting totally badass on an instrument, but let's be real. I think I have this other fear of school. I don't know how motivated I am. I mean, yes, I am motivated because I know it's a step towards a job I might actually dig, but school work doesn't sound appealing to me. It never really has.
I need to kick own ass and get myself in gear. First step needs to be getting my resume out the door to some of these jobs. (Ooh, but before that is getting someone to help me with it. I have the people, I just - again - can't muster the motivation.) Then will come deciding what to do next. Sometimes having to be a grown up and make life-changing decisions can suck.

Other news: This weekend was fun! Had some good moments with the bf, and even spent time with his mom (just the 2 of us). She pulled out a photo album and showed me a some pics of P-unit when he was little. <3 I think I would've liked him as a kid. I told him, too, that I'm afraid of how it's goign to be once he moves if we don't talk regularly as it is now. He didn't say anything, but I think he got what I meant. There were a couple of other things that happened that made me smile, both inside and out. Certain little romantic sort of things that reminded me of how things were one we were "new".

Dos

"This is S___, the office manager over here in the the Marietta office..." That's how the conversation started. About damn time! We need someone to be proactive and get stuff straightened out. At the same time, I guess it's weird having someone "over" me. I'm the longest-employed employee so I've kinda got that seniority thing. Now, though, there's an official person that can be higher than me. I like it, because hopefully it will work out some of the issues, but at the same time it makes me feel bad. I said 'no, I can't be office manager", and I stick by that -- I don't have the experience, I don't plan on being around there for too much longer, and I knew I wasn't going to get paid what an OM should. However, it was just a little touchy to hear someone use that title. Especially since I didn't know that's what she was going to be.

Next issue: BF. Boyfriend, boyfriend, boyfriend. I don't think we've seen each other since last Saturday night when I went over to his house. Awesome, over a week. And I can't say we've really talked much since then, either. Tuesday or Monday on the phone for a while...it was nice. Other than that, mainly by text. Bah. I'd rather talk on the phone, even though I know he's not a phone talker. Seriously, how do you have a relationship by texting? I get he's been busy, but he's probably made time to see his friends. Not probably, I know he has. I get it...I can't stay out all night during the week because I get tired and have to get up early for work so it's easier for him to see his friends who stay up later. But you have to make the effort. I don't think he knows how seriously head-over-heels in love I am, and how I so just want to spend time with him. I feel that we don't talk except for when we see each other. If we're on the phone it's kinda superficial. Plus, I shouldn't be afraid to call him. Seriously, we've been together 2 1/2 years, so I totally shouldn't have this "fear" of calling him. I guess it's almost a fear of rejection, like I think he's not going to answer because he's at his friends house or something. I'm such a pansy....I should be able to be honest, and I know that I can be with him... I just get nervous.

Numero Uno

Here's my first attempt at blogging. I guess it's really not my first - I had a Xanga probably 6 years ago. That whole online journal was a way for me to write about what was going on at the time. I was 19-ish, a sophomore in college, loving life, and enthralled in this shrimp of a guy. (Dude turned out to be gay, and I can't say it came as much of a surprise - he was totally into his male best friend. They used to cuddle...a lot.) Crazy that I got so wrapped up in that. I remember what was in that journal and shudder. It's just not important anymore. Sure, it shaped me in one way or another, but life is different these days.

So here I am now, just recently a quarter of a century old. Eh, my birthday sucked. Birthdays seemed to have lost their appeal once I got older. Even still, I wish I had made a bigger deal of it. 25 is a mile-marker in a sense. I guess I should be happy that I got to spend that night with my boyfriend, with whom I'm terribly in love; he even shot off fireworks for me! However, due to circumstances, we didn't really do much of what I wanted to do, and it left me being a bit disappointed. I still enjoyed our time together, and I always leave wishing we had more of it. I guess I should get used to it -- he's leaving me soon for school. Seriously, I'm so excited for him. In fact, I'm probably his biggest cheerleader for doing it. I just wish I saw how I (or "we") fit into the equation a bit more.

Here's my fear about this blog: I'm afraid I'll get started writing and not always have a stopping point. So I'll just end up writing and these will be random. Good thing I'm into randomosity.